


Asking Me To Come

by smooth



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Gen, Mental Instability, all the clones Sarah has met, other characters death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 15:11:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2114607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smooth/pseuds/smooth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“That doesn’t make you crazy.”</p><p>Sarah shakes her head violently to prevent the tears filling her eyes from falling. “Like hell it doesn’t.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asking Me To Come

**Author's Note:**

> [Post Season 2. Sarah simply refuses to die but that doesn't mean her sisters are immortal.]
> 
> I got inspired while rereading a fic by my favorite ob writer and I don't even know how I got here but at least I got rid of my writer's block so I guess that's okay?
> 
> Please note the warnings I've put.

Siobhan brings her a cup of tea even though she knows Sarah won’t drink it.

 

“You have to eat something,” She murmurs.

 

Sarah raises her bloodshot eyes. “Go to hell,” She spits but it’s without malice, without any strength. It’s probably the hundredth time the sentence escapes her, like it’s engraved on the inside of her teeth, slipping on her tongue and out her mouth every time she speaks.

 

“Okay.”

 

Sarah blames her for everything. Including things that are not her fault.

 

“Everything that’s happened is your fault,” Sarah says like she reads her thoughts.

 

Siobhan puts the cup down and leaves. Sarah doesn’t even bother grabbing it and hurling it at the wall and watching it shatter like she used to.

 

It should make Siobhan feel better but it doesn’t.

 

\--

 

“Sestra.”

 

Sarah’s eyes grow wider at the sight of her blonde twin, slouched in a typical Helena manner on the chair opposite to her, a spoon in her mouth.

 

“Wha-” She rasps.

 

Helena emits a low growling sound and Sarah realizes a little too late it’s actually a burp.

 

“Excuse me,” The blonde says very seriously, spoon still hanging from between her lips.

 

Sarah narrows her eyes suspiciously.

 

“Helena,” She pronounces slowly, “how the fuck did you get here?”

 

“I was hungry,” Helena gives her such a proud grin like she’s just said the smartest thing in the world. “I came to eat.”

 

Sarah eyes the empty table in front of her sister then the woman herself who’s chewing loudly, drool over the spoon.

 

“Eat what?” She feels stupid asking the question but how the fuck-

 

Helena slowly raises an eyebrow. Her face becomes wary. “Sestra, are you sick?”

 

“What do you mean am I sick?!” Sarah bristles at the question. “You’re the sick one, sittin’ right next to me, munchin’ at somethin’ and actin’ like everythin’s alright!”

 

Helena scrunches her nose, she almost looks like a child like that.

 

“What is not alright?” She queries and the spoon falls from her mouth on the table. Without making a sound.

 

The scream comes out before Sarah can stop it.

 

\--

 

Siobhan rubs her temples, exhaustion gnawing at her bones.

 

“She hasn’t eaten properly in more than a week.”

 

Felix raises his head from the table he’d previously leaned it on.

 

“What did you expect?” He snaps but his words have lost their bite almost as much as Sarah’s.

 

“I expect her to get a grip on herself, for the sake of Kira if not anyone else,” Siobhan replies, trying to suppress all the memories of bloody fists on walls and nights tasting of uncried tears and _she’ll never forgive me if she finds out._

 

The young man scoffs at her. “Bloody bullocks, you’re such a hypocrite.”

 

She frowns. “What, you also think this is my fault?”

 

Felix makes a sharp movement with his shoulder. “’Course it’s your fault.”

 

He doesn’t say anything else. Siobhan wishes he hadn’t said anything at all.

 

\--

 

“We’re all criminals.”

 

Sarah’s head snaps at the direction of the voice. “What the fuck…” She mutters hoarsely.

 

“Please, do not curse,” Alison makes a disgruntled face. “I said we are all criminals.”

 

Sarah stands up. “You’re not real.”

 

Alison sighs dramatically, like _Look what I have to deal with._

“Thank you for completely destroying the little bit of self-esteem I had left.”

 

“No. No, no, no,” Sarah babbles, her wrists doing some strange movements as if she’s trying to whisk a fly away. “You’re not real, _this_ is not real. Helena was here-”

 

“She was?” Alison sounds genuinely surprised and maybe a little irritated before her features soften. “Well, I suppose that would be normal, she’s your biological sister after all-”

 

“But you don’t understand!” Sarah yells desperately. “Helena was with the military and they- and then you and the car accident- I- this is not real, okay, it can’t be real!”

 

Alison rolls her eyes.

 

“I do not have time for your self-doubt, Sarah. I came to relieve my own conscience.”

 

“Wow, fuck you too,” Sarah murmurs before shaking her head violently. “But Alison-”

 

“I killed my neighbor Aynsley,” Alison interrupts her. Sarah just blinks at her. “Donnie killed Dr Leekie and we buried his body in the garage.” Alison pauses then shrugs. “So you know, we’re all criminals.”

 

“All?” Sarah quirks an eyebrow despite the whole ridiculousness of the situation. “What about-”

 

“Marijuana possession is still illegal in the United States, Sarah,” Alison cuts her with a reproachful expression.

 

Sarah offers a grunt and leans her forehead on her palm.

 

\--

 

Siobhan’s fingers are pressing urgently at the keyboard when she hears a shuffle behind her and a quiet voice asking “What are you doing?”

 

“She’s begun talking to herself,” Siobhan explains without turning around. “She needs to see a doctor.”

 

Felix behind her doesn’t say anything else.

 

Siobhan wants to hear it’s all her fault.

 

\--

 

“You’re not crazy.”

 

Sarah gives a twisted smile. “Yeah, you would know.”

 

Beth squints at her disapprovingly. “You’re such a lil dipshit, you know that?”

 

Sarah lets a half-sigh, half-laughter. “I’ve been told.”

 

Beth almost smiles, no, almost smirks, and then leans back in the chair and puts her feet on the table. Sarah raises an eyebrow, “S would get so mad if she saw you,” before her face falls, “but she wouldn’t. ‘Cause I’m crazy.”

 

Beth frowns. “You’re not crazy.”

 

Sarah snorts and turns her head to the ceiling. “You’re dead, Beth,” She says slowly, with disbelief. “You’re dead and you’re lookin’ the same way you did when you offed yourself in front of me and you’re dead, and Helena’s dead, and Alison’s dead-”

 

“That doesn’t make you crazy,” Beth insists.

 

Sarah shakes her head violently to stop the tears filling her eyes from falling. “Like hell it doesn’t,” She whispers.

 

Beth remains silent for a while. “I was crazy once,” She admits eventually, “and I saw dead people too.” Silence. “Bu they never spoke to me. It was awful.” She glances at Sarah. “Is it awful, your situation?”

 

Sarah continues looking at the ceiling. “No,” She mutters softly, “it’s just… weird, you know? Cause I’m not supposed to see you, any of you. But no, not awful.”

 

A smile twitches on Beth’s lips. “That’s the biggest compliment I have ever received from you.”

 

Sarah turns her head, a puzzled expression on her face. “This is the first time we talk to each other.”

 

Beth’s smile widens, becomes a full grin. “Still,” She shrugs, “’s a big deal.”

 

Sarah just rolls her eyes and looks back at the ceiling.

 

\--

 

Cal tries to visit a couple of times, unsuccessfully, before Siobhan finally lets him inside the house.

 

“I just wanna see her,” He would insist, “just for a couple of minutes,” before Siobhan would slam the door in his face, every time.

 

He doesn’t say anything now. She leads him to Sarah’s room, a big door with a crystal clear window on it, having replaced the old one on Sarah’s therapist’s recommendation.

 

“Is this a mental institution or something?” Cal grumbles quietly and enters the room without waiting for Siobhan’s answer.

 

Sarah is sitting on a chair in front of a table, looking like she’s spent her whole life right there, looking right in front of herself, and talking to someone.

 

Someone Cal cannot see no matter how hard he tries. He closes the door soundlessly and sits in a corner, eyes never leaving her frame.

 

“Yeah, it was a big mess to clean up,” Sarah laughs a little before leaning on her elbows and grinning widely. “You know, we didn’t really have a chance to get to know each other but I’m glad you’re here now. Like as a child I used to think all Germans had Hitler moustaches, even the women,” She stops for a moment then furrows her eyebrows and reaches as if to slightly slap something. “Hey, the British are not grumpy, shut up!”

 

Cal sits there for at least half an hour, listening to her talking to an invisible someone she refers to as Kat-ya. Maybe she’s seen him, maybe she hasn’t – either way she hasn’t paid attention to him at all, too engrossed in her conversation. And he knows he should pity her or cry for her, or blame himself for everything he could have done to help her but didn’t.

 

But she’s happy, she’s actually smiling and it’s contagious and he thinks he almost sees a silhouette on the chair, opposite to Sarah’s, waving its hands and explaining something enthusiastically.

 

The moment the thought crosses his mind, he gets up and leaves.

 

\--

“Do you smoke?”

 

Sarah’s mouth twists into a large grin before she even turns to the source of the voice. “Hey, Cos,” She almost gushes and Sarah Manning does not _gush_ but God, it’s been so long since they last saw each other.

 

Cosima returns the smile, gorgeous as ever in her oddly patterned but somehow still attractive dress. When she cocks her head to a side, her dreads swing slightly. “I missed you too, Sarah,” She confesses before the playful glint returns in her eyes. “But seriously though, do you smoke? You’ve always seemed like the smoking type to me but I’ve never had the chance to ask.”

 

Sarah gives a half-shrug. “Not a big fan of cigarettes really. Pot – yeah, sure, from time to time. But not a total junkie like you,” She lets a giggle and her eyes widen comically at her own reaction.

 

“Hey, it’s not an addiction if it’s scientifically proven to be healthy,” Cosima pushes her hand slightly. “And hey, did you just giggle?”

 

Sarah feels her cheeks heat up. “Did not,” She mutters under her breath.

 

Cosima laughs at that, “You know, one time I was almost sure you were gay for me.”

 

“Say wha’?” Sarah almost falls from her chair. “Ew, dude, gross.”

 

“What, am I the only one curious what it’d be like to have sex with your clone? Like for science?”

 

Sarah’s expression is both amused and mildly disturbed when she replies, “Um, yeah? And _for science_ doesn’t justify everything, you know?”

 

“I know.” Cosima nods with a suddenly serious face, “Science isn’t even that great if you think about it,” She adds after a couple of minutes and Sarah thinks she hears a little choke in her words like she’s physically pained to admit it. “It can’t even save a life, sometimes.”

 

“Cosima…” Sarah reaches to grasp her clone’s hand without even thinking about it. “It wasn’t your fault.”

 

“I know,” Cosima repeats and now the choke’s audible in her voice, “I just… I never thought it’d betray me like that. I believed I’d get away with anything till the very end. I believed I’d find a cure for myself.”

 

“Hey. _Hey,_ ” Sarah pulls her hand so hard Cosima actually stands up, and hugs her tightly. “We _had_ the cure, okay? Fuckin’ Rachel just fucked it up. But we _had_ the cure. And you’re a brilliant scientist. Don’t you ever doubt that.”

 

Cosima sniffs quietly, somehow afraid. “Okay.”

 

And Sarah can actually feel her smile into her shoulder.

 

\--

 

Felix comes home (they all live in the same place now, just like they used to) after almost a month of being gone.

 

“Where have you been?” Siobhan asks, too tired to sound stern.

 

“What are you, my mother?” He growls at her. There are purple circles under his eyes, his hair is a mess and his clothes hang loosely around him, like he hasn’t been eating properly. She spots an already healing bruise under his chin.

 

If there’s something really important for Felix Dawkins, it’s his physical appearance.

 

“Where have you been?” Siobhan repeats.

 

He squints at her maliciously. “You don’t get to control me, alright? Like you did her.”

 

“Felix-” She starts warningly but he interrupts her.

 

“What? Just cause she went left and right without you stopping her all the time doesn’t mean you didn’t control her. You killed her sister, S. All of them, directly or not.”

 

Siobhan swallows the bile in her throat. The accusation doesn’t hurt any less, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how true it is or isn't.

 

“I didn’t want it to happen like that.”

 

He gives her a once over with his glazed eyes.

 

“But you don’t regret it.” It doesn’t sound like a question.

 

He’s doing the same thing Sarah did when she was a teenager. Looking for yet another reason to hate her.

 

Felix’s slowly turning into his older sister and Siobhan doesn’t think she can bear seeing another child of hers destroying himself.

 

“No.”

 

He goes up to his room without another word.

 

\--

 

“I wanna see my niece.”

 

Sarah crosses her arms thuggishly, trying to impersonate him and failing miserably. “Wassup, homie?”

 

Tony rolls his eyes. “Don’t be a bitch, sister, I’m probably the only one who hasn’t seen her.”

 

“Actually you’re not,” Sarah assures him. “And either way, she’s with her dad so I can’t help ya.”

 

Tony puffs out the breath he’s been holding. “So what, she lives with that dude now?”

 

“Nah,” Sarah shakes her head thoughtfully, “S’s still her legal guardian. But they spend a lot of time together. So yeah.”

 

Both of them stare at each other for a while.

 

“That’s cool,” Tony says eventually. “It’s good to be a dad.” He pauses. “I woulda been an awesome dad.”

 

Sarah can’t help the smile that tugs at her lips. “Yeah, you would’ve.”

 

Tony gives her a side glance and grins as well. “Imagine if I was FeeFee’s baby daddy-”

 

“Don’t push it,” She shoots him a warning glance. “Seriously, that’s weird.”

 

He raises his hands conciliatory. “Damn, who knew you were so conservative, sister.”

 

“I have some morals, like what the hell?”

 

“Whatever,” He opens and closes the fingers of his hand while she talks, imitating her.

 

They stare at each other again, the atmosphere a little less awkward this time.

 

“She’s a special kid, from what I’ve heard,” Tony notes, once again the first one to break the silence.

 

“Yeah,” Something warms up inside Sarah’s stomach while speaking of her daughter. “She really is.”

 

Tony nods pensively. “This whole dying thing’s real stupid,” He tries to sound casual. “I coulda done like so many things. Like, I don’t know, win the lottery, buy a yacht… fuck a clone of mine,” He wiggles his eyebrows at her and Sarah groans loudly.

 

“Thank God you never met Cosima.”

 

\--

 

Kira returns from a trip with her father and she’s the first untainted and sane thing Siobhan has seen in a long time so she can’t help the desperate hug she gives the little girl.

 

“Hey, chicken, how are you? Did you have a good time?”

 

Kira nods. “Where’s my mummy?” Is the first thing she asks.

 

Siobhan’s heart sinks a little because she’s been trying to limit the child’s encounters with her mother to a minimum and only when she’s sure Sarah is not currently talking to one of her imaginary friends. Kira must not be exposed to this.

 

“Upstairs,” She replies quietly.

 

“I wanna see her,” Kira says just as quietly but Siobhan knows a demand when she hears one so she just stands up, takes her hand and leads her upstairs.

 

Thank God Sarah is just reading a book. The door lets a creak when Siobhan opens it.

 

“Five minutes, chicken,” She tells the girl. “It’s best for you and her both, alright?”

 

Kira nods again and goes inside. Siobhan closes the door but stays by the window.

 

Sarah’s whole face lights up when she sees her daughter.

 

“Monkey!” She exclaims happily and envelops Kira in a tight hug.

 

“Hello, mummy,” The child gives her a big toothy smile.

 

“I haven’t seen you in such a long time, did you have fun with Cal?” Sarah’s hands caress her daughter’s hair, eyes full of love and gentleness.

 

“Yeah, we ate tacos and rode bikes and Cal taught me how to fish!”

 

“That’s awesome, Monkey. But wait, tacos wasn’t the only thing you ate, right?”

 

Kira blinks at her. “Noo,” She drawls with an unsure voice.

 

Sarah sighs but before she can complain further, her daughter sees the book she’s holding. “What are you reading, mummy?”

 

Sarah turns to look at the cover. “The Island of Dr Moreau.” She says with a cautious voice as if afraid Kira would somehow judge her.

 

But all the child does is smile and offer, “We have five minutes. Will you read to me?”

 

\--

 

“Hello, Sarah.”

 

Sarah’s skin bristles. “Proclone,” She grits through her teeth.

 

Rachel gives her an unfathomable look, spine rigidly straight, one brown eye and the other transparent blue, and says nothing.

 

“I should’ve killed you when I first had the chance,” Sarah mutters angrily. “I could’ve saved my sisters.”

 

“You could have saved Cosima,” Rachel corrects her with an even voice, “and even then it wouldn’t have been for long. In the end we’re all dead.”

 

“No, _you_ ’re dead,” Sarah growls, her fist banging on the table. “They are alive to me. They always will be.”

 

Rachel slowly quirks an eyebrow. “If you didn’t want me here, Sarah, I wouldn’t be here.”

 

“That’s the biggest lie I’ve heard. Cause I want anyone but _you_ here.”

 

“I can leave,” Rachel offers.

 

“Yeah, _go_ ,” Sarah rumbles. And waits. A minute. Two.

 

“Then let me go.”

 

Sarah emits an animalistic noise and waves a pointed finger in Rachel’s face. “You could have helped _us_. We could have helped _you_ ,” She says bitterly. “You ruined us but you ruined yourself as well. You’re so stupid, Rachel, I’d actually pity you if I didn’t hate you so much.”

 

Something shifts on the other clone’s face but Sarah can’t quite put her finger on it. Rachel keeps looking at her.

 

“Goddammit!” Sarah finally roars. “You always have something to say, just open that big fuckin' mouth of yours!”

 

“What do you want me to do?” Rachel queries with the same lifeless voice. “Apologize?” Even the question sounds as a statement.

 

Sarah glares at her for a couple of moments, shakes her head with disbelief. “God. You’re so fuckin' stupid.”

 

“You were always an exception to every rule,” Rachel says instead of coming back with an insult. “I was the only one self-aware.”

 

Sarah simply stares at her. “So that’s it?” She waves her hands in the air. “You’re mad ‘cause you weren’t _special_ anymore?”

 

Rachel keeps quiet for some time before answering. “I am not anything. Except dead. So it doesn’t matter.”

 

Sarah curses loudly and kicks the table’s leg.


End file.
